HERE IS A STORY FROM A MAN WHO WROTE FOR SUGGESTIONS. HE SUBSEQUENTLY RECONCILED WITH HIS WIFE AND HE WANTS TO SHARE HIS STORY WITH OTHERS WHO NEED ENCOURAGEMENT AND HOPE. HIS NAME IS TIM AND HIS E-MAIL ADDRESS IS jack_blaguar@yahoo.com. HE SAID HE WOULD BE HAPPY TO WRITE TO ANYONE.
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My story is a long one indeed, because there are factors that come from my childhood that contribute to the man I had become.... and resulting in my wife wanting a divorce.

As a child, I lived in a sometimes abusive houshold... my dad used to beat up my mom after coming home drunk (perhaps I speak more harshly of him than is called for... He passed away in 1996 and had changed drastically many years ago), ...I, as well as my sister, suffered sexual abuse from a babysitter, and my parents got divorced... all this happened within a couple short years of each other. I shut my emotions in a closet, and became "self-sufficient". I shut everyone out emotionally, and walls were up... very high walls. I was around 7-8 years old when all that happened. Well, needless to say, it affected my marriage... it all affected my entire life.

I had been raised attending First English Lutheran Church, and was aware of many things. I was fairly book-smart and understood much about God's Word. It wasn't in my heart, though. I guess I could compare it to knowing the law, but breaking it anyway. I knew it, but didn't "feel it". I also grew up fairly quickly in many ways. Since my mom was the sole supporter of the family, my sister and I were dependent upon ourselves much of the time.

Before I got married, I had one long-term relationship through high school, and was very attached. That ended badly, and there were a lot of unresolved issues. After I joined the Army, we broke up, and I met my future wife shortly afterward. Well, not long after marriage, trying to hash out the feelings I still had for my ex-girlfriend, I contacted her, and stopped by for a visit... nothing happened, but in retrospect, I see the emotional betrayal it was to my wife (count #1 of adultery according to her, and I understand that completely). While I was in the Persian Gulf, there was a girl at my high school that was writing for the school paper, so she started writing to us soldiers who graduated from there for a story. Our correspondence got to be a little flirty, and again... emotional adultery on my part. (count #2) I never intended to go anywhere with it, but again... I understand that feeling of betrayal. I understand how disrespectful and inappropriate that was.

I would like to point out that all this time... since I was "self-sufficient", I was walking without God in my life. (Little did I know He was there with me all the time. I'd hate to see what would have happened had He NOT been watching over me.)

The years passed by in our marriage, and those feelings on her part were never resolved... my wife bottled them up. I saw it as water under the bridge, and they festered inside her. Well, we started to drift apart. We were both neglecting each other, and I explained to her how I wanted more attention... I wanted her to be around more.... and it seemed to drive her farther away. It got to the point where we actually got more attention outside the home... and in my case, it led ME to consider divorce.... and I was on the prowl. I had a few friends that I had grown close to, and they knew of my troubles. I was introduced to different women.... and at the time, I liked the attention. Things were very casual, and I developed caring relationships with a few of my female friends. Nothing serious came out of those, and there was no sexual infidelity (counts #3 & 4 of adultery) until I started talking to a woman who was going through much the same thing as I. That relationship would have gone on to most likely be my next marriage. (count #5) There were genuine feeelings of love and caring. Well, that all came to a head, and the wife and I discussed divorce. We both came to the realization that we DIDN'T want it. ... I asked her forgiveness, and she said she forgave me, but she can't forget. I told her it was a very valuable learning experience for me, and it made me realize that I wanted nobody other than her for the rest of my days. She never had a clue, even then, how much I loved her.... and I wasn't the best at showing it all the time, I admit.

Mind you, I was still closed emotionally... and even spiritually. I dedicated myself to her all over again, but I was still a very "distant" kind of person. I couldn't express the true love I had for anyone in my life. She let that build up over the past couple years, and so, to try to get my family out of a rut, we planned on moving back up to Wisconsin from Arkansas ... so I headed up there by myself to get a decent job, and save a little to move the family up there a month or so later. Well, it didn't work that way. Previous medical bills came back to haunt me, and I found my wages garnished. I ended up being away from my family for 6 months! I was in agony, deeply depressed, and started turning to God for direction. The direction I got was to go down to Indiana where my wife was now staying, and be with my family. I told my wife about my prayers, and deciding to go with God's direction rather than my own feelings. Well, that was in November. Chrstmas came around, and I was in a state of depression being away from the family. ... My cousin from South Carolina offered me an option to move there... the art market was great, beautiful place to live, etc. I brought the suggestion up to my wife, and she got VERY upset. She blew up at the very asking of her opinion. It was an argument.... on Christmas. I called her 2 days later, and that's when she said she wanted a divorce. I was devastated, but before I got off the phone, I asked her to agree to counseling before that happened, and I got down there ASAP. I moved to Indiana January 17th. Things were rough, and she had been avoiding me a lot. But there were some confusing factors in it all. She not only allowed me, but asked me to do such things as rub her feet with lotion... and her back... She continued to ask me to rub her feet and back, but said she was still dead set on getting this divorce. She said the love is gone, and she knew it wasn't coming back. She never made her first appointment with our pastor for counseling. She made it a point to avoid her promise to me. She never intended to even try, or see what he might have to say... with good reason... I believe she knew just how wrong she was, but didn't care. She had mentioned a "friend" of hers that was helping her out and how much he reminded her of another close childhood friend. His name was Josh. I was glad she had found someone to help her through some troubles... car trouble and whatnot... I later learned she had also discussed our situation with him. What I didn't know, but suspected, was that they were a bit more than "friends".

*Note. I had turned to God when I started praying for direction in regard to our living situation... things not working in Wisconsin was a big sign..., but even more so when I knew He was all I had when she brought up divorce. I've truly found the path I needed to be on all these years, and then she strayed from it. In the 6 months I was away in Wisconsin, I had no chance to make right any of the things that were so wrong in our lives. I envisioned it as a new start to our wonderful family, and then this hit me like a bomb. She held all those past transgressions against me, even though she said she forgave me. I was operating and living as if I had been forgiven. *BOOM* I was wrong. Even though I had been told by her I was forgiven, she could not really find it in her heart to forgive me.... and harbored that lack of forgiveness for the past few years. I can only thank God for this time of real spiritual growth, and have faith that He will touch her, and we will be stronger than ever. Our marriage has the support of her whole family, and they do not think divorce is the right thing to do. Our pastor knew divorce is not God's will, and he told me so. He offered me much encouragement. God gave it to me through him and through others. I have faith, and still struggle with the fleshly emotions and rationale of it all. No matter how completely I gave this matter to God, I knew I had to play a role, and I prayed for direction in that also.

Upon moving to Indiana, I learned that Christie and Josh were closer than I had even enertained.... She was often spending the night, drinking, partying, going for motorcycle rides or taking the 4 wheeler out with him... while I picked up the kids and kept them at the house. I was in so much pain over this... I often cried in front of my kids... I couldn't help it. My heart had been broken and now it was being trampled.

Several instances of confrontation occurred (the absolute LAST thing you want to happen when you're trying to pull your marriage back together). We argued about the well-being of the kids. They were suffering in their schoolwork, my son was an angry little boy... and they were going largely unsupervised while the adults partied when I was at work. I needed those people... one of which was her own step-sister... out of her life, or all was most likely doomed. That's a tall order.... to remove people from someone's life. God could do it... I had no idea how it would happen (shamefully, a small part of me hoped for an accident that would accomplish it), but I prayed daily... several times... almost constantly for that. I prayed daily that my wife's heart would be touched, that she would be given understanding, strength, compassion, and a spirit of forgiveness. I was such an emotional wreck, I cried day and night... at home, sometimes at work, and I prayed like I had an open channel to God (Go figure.... it turns out that we do!). She never admitted to me that she and Josh had anything more than a friendship (until later... I'll get to that). Her step-sister Becky was engaged... Josh was her fiance's best friend. When I experssed concern... she told me Josh didn't go for "Christie's type". (My wife is "full figured"... Josh liked the "Barbie-doll" type) I took her word for it, and I had no reason to think Christie would lie to me.

To my surprise, my daughter approached me one night with concern that mommy and Josh were more than friends. I decided it wasn't the right thing to do to confront my wife about it... since she had already told me they weren't anything but friends. So, I went to her step-mother for advice (she has been a big spiritual help, too, btw). Well, it turns out that wasn't the right thing to do, either. (At that point, nothing I did was right, anyway, according to Christie.) She called my wife and asked what was going on... IT hit the fan at that moment. My wife wanted me on the phone and let me have it! She said that she and Josh weren't sleeping together, and if she wanetd to, she would (!!!). Then she told me Josh wanted to talk to me. What I expected was something along the lines of: "Hey man, there's nothing for you to wory about, blah, blah, blah..." What I got was a mouthful of obscenities and threats. If I were not the Christian man I am today, I would have taken care of that in my OLD WAYS... I would have gone over there and broken several bones, punctured several organs, and maybe he would have lived... maybe not. I calmly talked to him.. as many words as he let me get in. My wife got back on the phone, and obviously, she wasn't expecting him to talk that way to me, either. We said goodbye.

I had tried several times to get her to go to counseling, and as stated before, she avoided it. I decided to go on my own. I set a date. I had come to an understanding through prayer, and reading more books, that I needed to not pursue my wife. I needed to let off a bit. I took her pics off my screensaver, and tried to find other things to make myself happy. I came to realize that I needed to always seek God first, and if I do that, nothing else will be quite so important. I needed to find new friends, take up new hobbies (like I had room!) ... and get more involved in church activities. My wife had always gone to church, and we were attending the same one at this point. She even sat with or near me & the kids. I always went up to the alter and Brother Walter Phillips (our pastor) prayed hard with me. I prayed hard and cried hard. I think she saw it all as a ploy to get her back... and one Sunday, she asked me, "Do you feel better?"... I got a little short with her... I don't remember exactly what I said, but I remember feeling very offended. She went up and prayed once in a while, and my prayers were focused on her even more at those times. I prayed again and again for God to touch her.Shortly after that point, I had another complaint from my daughter about Josh spanking them. (HOW DARE HE?!?!?) He certainly was not in a place to do so, so I stood up to defend my children. IT hit the fan again! However... something was different in my wife's voice. She understood my concern. We actually talked calmly after a while. She saw my point of view, I think.

Then... as I was in the habit of doing, I started to do laundry when my wife got up to go to work. She told me not to bother with the pants she left in the bathroom, she would get them later. I suspected there was some reason she didn't want me to wash her pants.... and I was right. She had left, and I had gone in to get the pants anyway. I emptied the pockets (good idea if you'e washing clothes), and I found a lawyer's phone number and directions to his office. It just so happenned that he is the nastiest divorce lawyer in Southern Indiana. I made another appointment with our pastor, and he advised me. He told me that I wasn't responsible for her half of the marriage ... only my own. As long as I was doing what's right, she would be the only one doing wrong in this situation. He told me I needed to lay everything on the line. I needed to tell her I didn't need a lawyer, because I am standing for this marriage. I emailed her.... I couldn't do it face-to-face. I said I was going to let her move on, and I was moving on.... but not to another woman. I would fill my days with happiness in other ways. Through church, through new friends, through a new life. I told her I was determined to be happy with or without her, and that she could bring whatever turmoil upon me she wanted, and that I would stand strong and do the right thing.... I would do as God would have me do. I also told her that if she needed me for anything in the future, I would be there. I hoped she could at least come to depend on me as a friend. If divorce was to happen, so be it. I told her, too that I didn't agree with it one bit, but I was standing for my half of the marriage... she was responsible for her own half.

What I told her had an almost overnight effect. About a week later, she had come back from Evansville with the kids, and I was coming out of the bathroom. I was about to do something for my son, and she grabbed me and said, "We need to talk." I said, "Okay, just let me do th..." She said, "No... NOW." I thought there was trouble. Imagine my surprise when she said as she stood close looking up at me (I'm short, but she's WAY short), "I think it would be okay (she was hemming and hawing a little) if maybe you asked me out once in a while." I said, "Yeah?" .... "Yeah." We hugged... and I kissed her.

Everything was NOT over, however....

I had to go to work that afternoon. I called her at lunch, and I asked her a few lingering questions. I asked her if she had ever "done anything" with Josh. She asked me if it would change how I felt about her... (I KNEW IT... I felt my heart sink.) I said, "No." ...She then gave me all the details I shouldn't have asked for. I dealt with it.... even though I knew it all along and struggled with taking her at her word, it hit me hard.

That night when I got home, we laid together on the couch. We talked about everything, and she let me know that she wanted to stay friends with Josh. (This possibility was discussed with Brother Walter, too....) I told her exactly as according to the advice given to me: I pretty much said, "...well, you can't have him and me both." It wouldn't be right. Not in any way. She let that one go hard... but she let it go. I stood my ground, even if at the cost of being with her again. It was the right thing to do. She was angry for some time... but she prayed about it and knew exactly how right I was. Back to that night, we fell asleep on the couch... her head on my chest, and me as uncomfortable as could be... but loving every second of it. Then... Satan poked his nose in again to add more pain to the situation. I heard Christie say ..."Josh..." as she slept. (Darn straight I woke her up.) I told her what she did... and we talked about what she really wanted. She cried and told me she wanted me. I was satisfied. Hurt, but satisfied.

MIRACLE- I was able to transfer to get to Indiana 2 weeks after I had made the request. (At the time I was employed at Wal-Mart {YUCK! ... and no teasing}.) To transfer to or get a job at Wal-Mart in January is like trying to get into Heaven with Satan hiding in your duffel bag.

MIRACLE - Josh was out of her life.

MIRACLE - The Lord's comfort... I swear... several times I felt His very own hand on me. I went from tears to sheer comfort and happiness in Him in a second on the way to work one day.

MIRACLE - (Although it hasn't been disussed much, my wife had an arrangement with her step-sister in which she watched her 4 kids at her house while she was at work ... she had almost no one else willing to watch those kids, so she depended a lot on Christie.) Becky, her fiance Donny, and his friend Josh (who was at their house often) were the worst influences on my wife... led her to do many things and think many ways which were against God's will. Josh had already been removed, but I saw opportunity for the occasional meeting if the situation stood as it was. I continued to pray that situation would change. I discussed with my wife that she needed to make more time for us, and she agreed whole-heartedly. I also said she needed to cut back on her babysitting obligation, and eventually, not watch them at all, if possible. Well, that came to pass. My wife and I started to go out on dates more often, and were spending all our free time together, cutting her out of the situation altogether.

Today, we face financial problems, and a few other things, but we are happier, we understand each other, and we commmunicate better, than EVER before in our marriage. She loves me more than she ever has, and I came away from that whole mess learning one simple valuable thing. Words form God (I'm paraphrasing, of course): "Your wife was a gift to you... a very special one. I gave this gift to you because you found favor in my eyes. Cherish that gift."

Cherish the gift God gave you, people. If you're not worthy to keep it, you may not.

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Dear Ms. Parejko,
I wanted to write you to encourage you in your "movement". I am coming from a highly spiritual perspective, but also from that of an almost divorced woman! Please let me share my story...

I filed for divorce against my husband in the first months of 2000, after already being separated for a couple of months. At this time, I was already "in love" with someone else. (I believe this rebound type of relationship is probably extremely common and a strong motivator for a quick divorce for many - another important reason to give the divorce process a little more time since rebound relationships almost always fail!) Due to poor legal representation (which I now believe to be God's hand), my divorce proceedings were delayed for months. We were sheduled for our second to the last hearing in finalizing our divorce in December of 2000. Because it took so long, however, I was able to pursue this rebound relationship, to experience the turmoil of divorce and its effects on our children, my church, our families, and ourselves, as well as the financial difficulties. It also gave me a chance to see the light in my unhealthy rebound relationship, to come back to God, and to discover myself, my needs, my children's needs, and to become friends with my husband again. We began to "date" in that same December our hearing was scheduled for, and filed for the dismissal of our divorce a couple months later.

We are residents of Wisconsin as well, and I know if it weren't for the prolonging of the divorce procedure, which in our case was divine intervention, we would be another statistic and another broken family. We try to convince ourselves that our children will be ok, or even better off! And that we are not a "broken family" when we go through the hardship of divorce. But if you can get to the other side of it - if you can have VICTORY over the difficulties in your marriage - you are then able to see the pain and damaging effect that a divorce has had on yourself, your children, and your spouse. And that trickle effect goes much further than you realize.

More time, just simple TIME allowed for my husband and I to realize many profound lessons, and to put our marriage and our children's lives at the top of the list of priorities. It's not the easier path to choose, we are working hard to become a healthy couple. But after losing our family we know how precious it is! We have made it through criminal activity, infidelity, betrayal, religious differences, and more than I could get into in an email! There is hope for many of the marriages that are heading for divorce. Please remember there is hope!

I know that God is the way, and if you are able to give people the simple gift of time, He will have half a chance to do His work in these broken lives! God bless you, and you will be in my prayers. I have so much wanted to share this message with the world and am excited about what you are trying to do. You have the Almighy Creator backing you, and with Him allthings are possible!

If there is anything I can do or say, please let me know!

With hope,
Tracey

Wisconsin