excerpt from "How Therapists Threaten
Marriages" – The Responsive Community, 7, 31-42
- by William Doherty, with words and comments in parenthesis added by Judy Parejko
The first plank in a communitarian platform for marital therapy [mediation] would be for therapists [mediators], both those who work only with individuals and those who work with couples, to recognize and affirm the moral nature of marital commitment. This stance moves therapists [mediators] beyond the guise of neutrality which covers an implicit contractual, self-interested approach to marital commitment. Divorce, from a communitarian perspective, is sometimes necessary when great harm would be caused by staying in the marriage. Particularly in the presence of minor children, the decision to divorce would be akin to amputating a limb: to be avoided if at all possible by sustained, alternative treatments, but pursued if necessary to save the person's life. (Moral Neutrality about marriage must end)
The second plank affirms that personal health and psychological well-being are indeed central dimensions of marriage and important goals of therapy [mediation]. There is no inherent contradiction between emphasizing the moral nature of marital commitment and promoting the value of personal satisfaction and autonomy within the marital relationship. These moral and personal elements together define the unique power of marriage in contemporary life. (Health is strongly related to marital status)
The third plank is that it is a fundamental moral obligation to seek marital therapy [mediation] when marital distress is serious enough to threaten the marriage. We need a cultural ethic that would make it just as irresponsible to terminate a marriage without seeking professional help as it would be to let someone die without seeing a physician. (Obligation for couples to seek help first when in trouble – before seeking divorce)
The fourth plank holds that promoting marital health should be seen as an important part of health care, because we now know the medical and psychological ravages of failed marriages for most adults and children. And the health care system should support this kind of treatment as an essential part of health care, instead of regarding marital therapy [mediation] as an "uncovered benefit." (Health care must include services for marital health)
The fifth plank concerns the importance of education for marriage and early intervention to prevent serious marital problems. We need a public health campaign to monitor the health of the nation's marriages and to promote community efforts to help couples enhance the knowledge, attitudes, values and skills needed to make caring, collaborative, and committed marriage possible. There are many well-tested courses and programs in marriage education across the country that can fill this need. And we need grass roots efforts among couples without direct reliance on professional leadership. (Society needs to advocate for "healthy marriages")
The sixth plank asserts that therapists [mediators] should help spouses hold each other accountable for treating their spouse in a fair and caring way in the marriage. Although commitment is the linchpin of marriage, justice and caring are essential moral elements as well. A communitarian approach to marital therapy would incorporate feminist insights into gender-based inequality in contemporary marriages. It would be sensitive to how women are often expected to assume major responsibility for the marriage and the children, and then are criticized for being over-responsible. When a husband declines to do his fair share of family work on the grounds that "it's not my thing," the therapist [mediator] should see this as a cop-out from his moral responsibilities, not just as a self-interested bargaining position with his wife. Communitarians promote more than marital stability; they promote caring, collaborative, and equitable marital unions that are good for the well-being of the spouses as individuals. (Those who work with couples need to hold spouses accountable to each other)
The seventh plank is based on the prevalence of therapist-assisted [mediator-assisted] marital suicide. We need a consumer awareness movement about the potential hazards of individual or marital therapy [mediation] to the well-being of a marriage. Consumers should be given guidelines about how to interview a potential therapist [mediator] on the phone, with questions such as "What are your values about the importance of keeping a marriage together when there are problems?" If the therapist [mediator] responds only with the rhetoric of individual self-determination ("I try to help both parties decide what they need to do for themselves"), the consumer can ask if the therapist [mediator] has any personal values about the importance of marital commitment. If the therapist [mediator] hedges, then call another therapist [mediator]. (Look elsewhere too if the therapist [mediator] says that marriages should be held together no matter what the consequences.)
Consumers also should be aware that many therapists who primarily work with individuals are not competent in marital therapy and thus are likely to give up prematurely on the marital therapy [mediation] and the marriage itself. It is best to see a therapist who has had special training in working with couples [relationship specialists]. (Moral responsibility to marriage will become a part of Professional Standards)
Many therapists [mediators] are now reconsidering their approach to marital commitment. They have been entranced by a cultural mirage about what constitutes the good life in the late twentieth century, and they are beginning to rethink their ill-begotten moral neutrality in the face of disturbing levels of family and community breakdown. A communitarian critique and reformulation of marital therapy [mediation] can point the way to a new kind of marriage covenant that views moral responsibility, sustained commitments, and personal fulfillment as a garment seamlessly sewn, not a piece of Velcro designed for ease of separation.
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William J. Doherty is a Professor of Family Social Science and Director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at the University of Minnesota. He is author of Soul Searching: Why Psychotherapy Must Promote Moral Responsibility (Basic Books, 1995) and The Intentional Family: How to Build Family Ties in Our Modern World (Addison-Wesley, 1997). He may be reached at Department of Family Social Science, University of Minnesota, 290 McNeal Hall, St. Paul, MN 55108.