About "Smart Marriages: Happy Families"

Information about the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education
is at: http://www.smartmarriages.com
What's the Number One predictor of Divorce?
The habitual avoidance of conflict.

Why the Coalition was created:

Exciting new research has identified what it takes to build strong, happy marriages and what is unique about the couples that stay together and stay in love. It isn't that successful couples start out richer, better looking, more in love, more committed, or more passionate. It isn't that they have fewer differences or less to fight about. In fact, couples who stay together have the same number of disagreement as couples who divorce. And they disagree about the same issues - money, kids, sex, housework, in-laws, and leisure time. The difference is in how they handle their disagreements and how they use skills to build long-term happiness and satisfaction.

The good news is that the skills which provide this "relationship insurance" can be learned. Couples can unlearn behaviors that destroy love and replace them with behaviors that keep love alive.

The number-one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict. Yet we avoid conflict precisely because we believe it will cause divorce. It's like the cartoon where the husband says to the marriage counselor, "It's true, we never talk anymore. We figured out that's when we have all our fights."

We avoid conflict - in the beginning because we are so in love -- and so misinformed! We believe that "being in love" is about agreeing. Later, we avoid conflict, because when we try to deal with our differences things get so out of hand and our fights are so unpleasant and upsetting that we simply shut down. Successful couples - the research shows - are those who know how to discuss their differences without letting them contaminate the rest of the relationship. We don't get married to handle conflict, but if a couple doesn't learn how to do that successfully, they won't be able to do all the other things they got married to do. Or, put another way, it's hard to take her out to the ball game if you're not speaking.

We also need to realize that every happy couple will have approximately ten areas of disagreement that they will never resolve. The divorce laws have it all wrong. Perpetual disagreements - like a bad knee or a chronic back - are part of every good marriage. Successful couples learn to dance in spite of them. If we switch partners we'll just ge ten new areas of disagreement and sadly some of the most acrimonious will be about the children from our previous marriages.

In addition to needing to learn skills for handling disagreements, we also have to learn to welcome and embrace change. When we marry we promise to stay together till death we do part, we don't promise to stay the same! We need skills to integrate and negotiate new meaning along the way.

The good news is that there are many different courses for learning the skills - many from which to choose.

There are courses for different stages of relationships and marriage.
Couples can learn the skills at any stage - dating, engaged, as newlyweds, or after many years of marriage.
The courses are also effective for couples facing serious distress or contemplating divorce. It turns out that when you learn to interact in new ways, the feelings of love can be revived - can come flowing back.
There are courses designed to teach high school students the skills for building good relationships and lasting marriages - to teach them what to look for in a mate.
There are courses to help dating couples assess the strengths and weaknesses of their relationship and to learn how to improve the areas in which they have poor skills.
There are courses designed specifically for stepfamilies which face special challenges .
And there are courses for couples facing the adventures of parenting (from first baby, to adolescents, to empty nests) or for dealing with sexual dysfunction, substance abuse, adultery, unemployment, dual-careers, and illness.
There are courses adapted for different denominations taught in churches, synagogues and mosques and there are secular courses that are connected to no church or denomination which are taught in community centers, on military bases, in childbirth classes, or at the county court house.
The courses are not about what kind of marriage to build - they give couples the tools to build and successfully maintain the marriage of their dreams.
The courses are taught in classroom settings - think teacher, flipchart, "driver's ed for relationships." This is not about therapy, or encounter groups. Exposing private relationship issues and talking about problems and feelings is not part of the process. Courses are inexpensive, user-friendly and empowering. Couples enjoy themselves as they gain mastery and become "relationship smart." They also model the skills for their children which will slow the divorce rate in future generations. "Don't tell us how to have a good marriage, show us."

The courses offer couples a "do-it-yourself" solution. "If you give a man a fish he can eat for a day; if you teach him to fish he can feed his family forever." The courses teach couples to fish! - to solve their own problems over the lifespan of their marriage. To meet the highs, lows, joys, challenges....the 'for better and for worse' issues.

The Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) serves as a Clearinghouse to help couples locate and select courses. Click for Directory to find a course for yourself, a friend or family member. The courses make great wedding or anniversary presents.

The Directory also includes information on training - learn to teach the courses and start a program in your church, high school, or community. Training takes from two to four days and research shows that lay leaders and clergy can teach the courses as well as -- or better - than mental health professionals. You do not need a mental health degree or license to teach marriage and family education courses.

Visit the Coalition's web site Articles page to gather information on legislative, high school or community efforts to lower the rate of family breakdown.

Through its annual conference and FREE on-line newsletter CMFCE serves to connect those with an interest in the ongoing development of the field; to promote greater awareness of the effectiveness of preventive, educational courses; and to increase the availability of these courses in the community -in churches, schools, clinics and community centers.

The Coalition is an independent, non-partisan, non-denominational, non-sectarian organization. There are no dues or supporting grants. The work of the Coalition is supported by the proceeds of its annual conference. It is an interest group of those who are convinced that the rate of family breakdown can be lowered through couple-empowering, preventive, skill-based education. America's divorce rate has held steady at 50% for more than twenty years. That's for first marriages. The divorce rate is even higher for second marriages -- which shows we don't learn from our mistakes. We learn through education.

Contact CMFCE for information on conferences, courses, resources, speakers, or to add your name to the mail list to receive a conference brochure or to subscribe to the FREE email newsletter. The on-line newsletter includes updates, articles and information.

The Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, L.L.C.
5310 Belt, Rd, NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332/Fax 202-362-0973

Email : CMFCE@smartmarriages.com